Icicles

“I’m Indiana Jones, bitches! Gimme some treasure!

“Oh, yeah. That’s some treasure right there. All that gold and Jolly Ranchers and shit! Just put it in the bag. Woo-PAH! Woo-PAH! I’m whipping! Problems better not come along, that’s all I’m saying - haha! 

“Hurry up, people! I got to get back to the Black Sparrow before Dr. Who shoots Nemo’s heart! Woo-PAH! Woo-PAH! Gimme some treasure! Avast, ye mateys! Jib the mizzenmuzzle! Scrub the poopdeck!

“Where’s my parrot Gilbert Gottfried? He better get me some treasure, that’s all I’m saying. I got the Mark of the Covenant, and the Hemp Loom, and the Last Cascade! I am Indiana got-damn JONES!

“I pity the fool that don’t have a license to kill! Take that, Goldfinger! Woo-PAH! You are the weakest link, Blowfly!

“BOOYAH! Indy is outta here. Hasta la vista, babies! This is AMERICA!”

Citizens, we do not encourage mere levity. Laughter cleanses the soul, but a soul tasting of soap and bleach is a museum piece. The soul needs a little dirt, a bit of grit behind the ears to teach it humility and keep its feet firmly grounded.

We of the Collective believe in surrealism as a force for good. Surrealism is a burning sink - a shock to the system that both delights and invigorates. It jars the mind in vivid new directions as it brings laughter to the lips. 

So be forewarned. The paper that brings you news also brings you bike ads and the comics your father enjoyed - and it carries a disciplinary weight. What you salute is a string to the puppeteer, a wall to the walker, and a door to the thief.

• May your dancing be unfavorably compared to the death throes of a spider.
• May the T on your keyboard stick at least three times a day.
• May your mayonnaise always have a funny aftertaste.
• May your scented candles always smell like wet dog.
• May a bee sting your leaning elbow.
• May you never again really enjoy a pudding cup.
• May you write the Great American Novel, then sell it for an advance of “magic beans”.
• May you become obsessed with macrame plantholders.

• Scadswell Tillman
• n-Hole Punch
• The Pinchpennys
• Penny Says Knock it the Fuck Off
• Read/Write/Rock
• Scorbibo
• The Admiralty Files
• Funk Like Stone
• micro-Megalips
• The Svelte Grammarians
• Punk Hygiene
• Big Boy Cleavage
• Tiny Smells
• Sixteen Sexy Sitters

Dear Wallet,

I need some advice. If I was going to store some money, would it better to use you or to use me? 

Thanks!

- Tupperware

Dear Tupperware,

God. That is possibly the dumbest question anyone has ever asked. Really? You think you can hold a coin to me in terms of currency storage? Please. No one is going to cram one of your bulky containers into their purse or wallet when they could use me: sleek, effective, stylish.

Go back to letting food go bad. It’s what you’re good at.

- Wallet

Dear Wallet,

You’re a jerk. I don’t know why we’re even friends.

- Tupperware

Dear Tupperware,

I’m sorry. I was having a really bad day - got dumped for money clip again - and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have. Please forgive me.

- Wallet